"Waiter's Song" Songtext
von Stephen Sondheim

I am so sorry
Madam
We have no decaf latte mocha niños
With soy milk
Today

Fine, skip the soy

What can I say?

I said fine. Regular is fin—

That′s not the problem
Madam
The problem isn't just the soy
You see, it′s more than just the soy

Yeah, so?

I couldn't be more sorry
Madam
But sad to say the fact is not only do we have no soy (Oh, boy)

Don't tell me that you—
We have no mocha!

Then just a decaf latte! (We also have no latte!)


What?

We do expect a little latte later
But we haven′t got a lotta latte now!

Can′t be out of latte, that would mean you're out of milk!

Sir, not only are we out of milk
We′re out of cream
We're out of half and half!

The caffe latte without the lat

We′re also out of caff!

Not even "de?"

Is that a laugh?

Alright, then tea. Twining's Earl Gray, bag on the side

Ah, yes, now

Don′t tell me—

I am so sorry


Madam
I do apologize, it's unforgivable
I'm so embarrassed, but not only are we out of Earl Gray
We′re out of Earl Green
We′re out of Earl Red
And Blue
And everything in between!

(Okay, then Lipton's! I don′t care, whatever!)

I apologize profusely, madam!
But we're shit out of tea today!

You′ve gotta be kidding!

Je suis désolé!

Fine. Diet Coke with lemon

Madam, if I may
I forgot to say
By the way
We have no Coke!
We have no Sprite!
No Mountain Dew, no Fresca Lite!
And I should add, although I do regret it
If you're thinking beer or wine, forget it!

Yeah, let′s just order!
Give me the abalone omelet, runny! Extra saffron!

Excellent choice!

I've changed my mind about manna!
I crave the huevoth rancheroth!

A superb selection!

I'll do the blood pudding
Make it vampiric!

Nice!

I will have the curried goat hash

Ah, splendid

Do I want the Malay duck?

It is an unparalleled experience!

Done

I′m gonna go basic. A cheeseburger, medium
That′s California medium
Only pink around the edges—

Just bring the shit, will you? We're starving!

Ah, yes, well
Perhaps I should′ve mentioned

What?

I am so sorry
Sir, but
We're out of abalone omelets!
Although, I have to say, they are delicious!
And I′m sure you'd like it if we had them!
But we don′t

Ah, for Christ's sake! Then two hashes, only make my goat medium

Nor we have any hash
Never mind the curried goat
And wait, I made a note!
Oh yes, the huevos, nada!
Sorry!

Right
Who had the duck?
You're outta luck!
Fuck!
As for the blood pudding
Well, I wouldn′t recommend it anyway
(But it sounds appetizing—)
What do you have? It′s false advertising!
I cannot eat in this condition!
On
Behalf of the entire management and staff and international consortium
That operates the Café Everything
I can't apologize enough!
I just may go and kill myself!
That′s what I'll do! I′ll kill myself!
I'd rather kill myself than tell you
We′re completely out of food!
Of any kind!
Then, fine
Should've given you some warning
But it's been a very busy morning
Then why the hell did you take our orders?
Madam, that′s my job!
I′ll go check on that water!
Thought he wanted to kill himself
Café Nada, they ought to call it!
Hey, could you make that sparkling?
What in the world was that?
That was a gunshot
Because I asked for sparkling?
Why don't we go to Bistro à la Mode?
It′s French deconstructionist cuisine!
Well, back to square one!
Everybody, into the car!