Handy Songtext
von “Weird Al” Yankovic

First things first, I′m a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodeling is my only passion (it's my passion)
And I′m the greatest in the business, want referrals, yo
My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted? (Rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted
Just one man that′s always trusted

I′m so handy, you already know
I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I′m so handy, I'll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher′s about to explode


Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I′ll hook up your dishwasher combo dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure's too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry I′ll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
Or maybe I′ll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I′m so handy, everyone said so
I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I′m so handy, I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn′t blow

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit ′til I′m done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (ow)

Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I′m MacGyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh?
Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker


I'm so handy, you already know
I′ll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I'm so handy, you should call this pro
I′m in the phone book and se habla español