The Legend of the Illinois Enema Bandit Songtext
von Frank Zappa

FZ: And now folks, it′s time for Don Pardo to deliver our special Illinois Enema Bandit-type announcement. Take it away, Don!
Don Pardo: This is a true story about a famous criminal from right around Chicago. This is the story of Michael Kenyon, a man who's serving time at this very moment for the crime of armed robbery. It so happens, that at the time of these robberies, Michael decided to give his female victims a little enema—apparently, there was no law against that. But his name lives on—Michael Kenyon, THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT!

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he′s on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women . . .
He'd just be tyin′ ′em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
Just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice


The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin′ around there
From farm to farm
He's got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin′ for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin′ for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump

The Illinois Enema Bandit
One day he'll have to pay
Some day he′ll have to pay
The police will say, You're under arrest
And the judge would have him for a special guest
Then the D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call-yooou! for the jury folks
(That′s you over there)
And the judge would say, no poo-poo jokes
Then they′ll drag in the bandit for all to see
Sayin' Don′t nobody, no no, have no sympathy . . .
Hot soapy water in the first degree
And then the Bandit might say, Why is everybody lookin' at me?

Did you cause this misery?
Well did you cause this kinda misery?
Well did you cause this misery?
Well, one girl shout, let the Bandit be


Bandit are you guilty?
Bandit are you guilty?
Tell me now, what′s your plea?
Another girl shout, let the fiend go free

Are you guilty? Bandit, did you do these deeds?
Come on, now
He said, It must be just what they all need . . .
It must be just what they all need . . .
(That's right!)
It must be just what they all need . . .
(Over there)
It must be just what they all need . . .
(Help me out now!)
It must be just what they all need . . .
(That′s right)
It must be just what they all need . . .

He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
(Don′t you know it must be just what they all need)
(That′s it!)
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)

He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
(Don′t you know it must be just what they all need)
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
(It must be just what they all need)
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin′ every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of ′em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be . . . hey

Talkin′ bout the Illinois . . .
Illinois . . .
Ain't talkin′ 'bout Fontana . . . ha . . .
Ain′t talkin' ′bout Po-head-otated . . . ha . . .
(I'll try again . . .)
Potato Headed Bobby
Talkin' ′bout the Illinois Enema Bandit
Yeah yeah yeah

FZ: Wait a minute, this is for Roy Estrada, wherever he′s

Wanna-wanna-wannanenema
An enema
Wanna-wanna-wannanenema
An enema
I wanna-wanna-wannanenema
Eh . . .
Take it away

The Illinois Enema Bandit
(The Enema Bandit)
The Enema Bandit
(The Enema Bandit)
The Enema Bandit
Talkin' bout the Illinois Enema Bandit . . .
(. . . It can′t happen here!)
Juice

FZ: Awright-awright! Ray White, the assistant Illinois Enema Bandit, live on stage here in New York . . .! That's it . . . sit right down and make yourselves comfortable . . .