“That Greatest of American Holidays” Songtext
von Frank Zappa

Hello, folks
Happy Halloween to you and yours
Welcome to the Auditorium Theatre on that greatest of American holidays, Halloween
We will try to make this Halloween very memorable for you

Alright, folks
Down here, I′d like to introduce the members of the rocking teenage combo right now
Over here, with the trombone and his pajamas in the bottom, Mr. Bruce Fowler

And here, with the tenor saxophone and the prominently displayed bolt in the middle of his forehead
Napoleon Murphy Brock, direct from San Jose
By way of Hawaii on vocals
And over there in the corner, still smelling just as fresh as she did during the first program
It's Ruth "Hot Lips" Underwood
Try your marimba, Ruth
She has all the licks down, she′s really a be-bop marimba player
Now the bongos

Martin Denny, ladies and gentlemen
And now, the timpani

J. Arthur Rank


Give 'em the gong, Ruth, give 'em the big gong
Hey
Give ′em the little cheap shitty gong now, Ruth
Hey
Ladies and gentlemen, drumset nomber one, Ralph Humphrey

Plus cowbells

Very good
Drumset numner two, Chester Thompson

Electric bass, Tom Fowler

Multiple keyboard appendages, George Duke

Yes, he′s a cute one, folks, he is a cute one
Let me see if I'm working here
Nope, nope, nope, nope


"Cosmik Debris"
Oh, yeah
Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to trouble you with this
Ruth has requested once more, just as she did in the first program
That there is a note broken on the vibraphone
What note is it, Ruth?
It′s an E
There is an invisible E on the vibraphone
You won't hear that one particular E
Some of her parts may sound cheesy to you
Most of you won′t know the difference
But she's so sensitive she wants you to know that she′s gonna try and work around it, okay?
Now I gotta tune up

One

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, the name of our first tune is "Cosmik Debris"
It's a song about gurus and their uselessness to society
Here we go
Hey
One, two, three, four