What Would Leonard Bernstein Do? Songtext
von John Mulaney

My dad is so weird, I′d love to meet him someday
You know, my friend was tellin' me that his dad used to beat him with a belt
And, uh, that′s just the setup to my story, so forget about that poor son of a bitch
Anyway, so he was talkin', and I was waitin' for him to be done so that I could talk
You know, so he′s talk, talk, talk, and oh, it′s my turn next, and

I said, "My dad never hit us
My dad is a lawyer, and he was a debate team champion
So he would pick us apart psychologically"
One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, 'cause I had to be

My dad goes, "How was school today?"
I said, "It was good, but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw"
"And where were you?" I was over on the bench
"And what did you do?" Nothing, I was over on the bench
"But you saw what happened?" Yeah, ′cause I was over on the bench
"So you saw what happened, and you did nothin'?"
Yeah, ′cause I was sittin' over on the bench


Let me ask you this, in Nazi Germany
When people saw what the Nazis were doin′, and they did nothin'
Were those good people? Oh, no, those are bad people
You gotta stop the Nazis, but you saw what they were doin' to Tyler
And you did nothin′, ′cause "I was over on the bench"

And then my dad said, "Just explain to me this
How are you better than a Nazi?"
And then my mom said, "I made a salad with craisins"
And the conversation ended

My dad's a very weird and formal guy
A lotta people ask me if he gave me a sex talk, yes, I think
I was like 12 years old, and my dad walked up to me, and he said uh, "Hello
Hello, I′m Chip Mulaney, I'm your father"

And then he said the followin′, "You know, Leonard Bernstein
Was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century
But sometimes he would be gay
And accordin' to a biography I read of him
When he was holdin′ back the gay part, he did some of his best work"

Now, we don't have time to unpack all of that
And I don't know if he was discouragin′ me from bein′ gay
Or discouragin' me to be a classical composer
But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy


How would that ever work?
Like, years later, I′d be in college, about to go down on some rockin' twink
And I′d be like, "Wait a second, what would Leonard Bernstein do?"
I've never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you