Quicksand Songtext
von John Mulaney

Hi! Hi! Hello! Hi! Ha ha ha, how are you?
Thank you, that′s very nice of you
Thank you, thank you very much
Thank you very much, that's so nice of you
I hope you′re having a good week
Thank you for being here

I, uh, am doing well myself
In a couple days I'm gonna turn 29 years old
And I'm very excited about that
I was hoping that by now that I would look older
But it didn′t happen

I don′t look older, I just look worse, I think
Honestly when I'm walking down the street
No one′s ever like, "Hey, look at that man"
I think they're just like
"Whoa, that tall child looks terrible!
Get some rest, tall child!
You can′t keep burning the candle at both ends!"


You ever seen on America's Most Wanted
When they age a photo of someone?
Just take my kindergarten photo
And yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes
And be like "This is what he would look like now"

I was a very nervous kid
I was anxious all the time when I was younger
But what′s nice is that some of the things I was anxious about
Don't bother me at all anymore, like, uh
I always though that, uh
Quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like
The third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life
Behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky
I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand
I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life
I was never like "Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?"

Now I′ve gotten older; not only have I never stepped in quicksand
I′ve never even heard about it!
No one's ever been like, "Hey, if you′re coming to visit, take I-90
Because I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle
Looks like regular sand, but then you're start to sink into it"