Algebra Song! Songtext
von John Mulaney

"I′ll sing a song about karmic wrath"
"How I lost my eye because I didn't know math"

I was born in NOLA, but then we had to flee
Police were searching everywhere for a fella named Eddie
I′m a child of a con-man and a saintly mama
We fled for Chicago with nothing but pajamas

If you don't see how algebra will save your eye
I'll tell you why, I′ll tell you why
If you don′t see how algebra will save your eye
Just keep listenin' and I′ll tell you why

By age thirteen, I was weary of school
Thought doing your homework was the work of a fool
Dropped out in a flash and abracadabra
No more reading, no more algebra

There's a high-rolling world that he wanted to join
Full of passion, fashion, cash and coin

If you have pocket change, shake, shake, shake
I have coins up on the dresser!


My principal was a hundred and four
Folks said she was a witch, hair down to the floor
She cackled through a cigarette and said to me
"Not knowing algebra will change the way that you see!"

I got the change!
Too late!

You′re starting to see how algebra will save your eye
It's clear as the sky, no need to clarify (No, no, no)
If you still don′t see how algebra will save your eye
Just keep listenin' and I'll tell you why

Hey there, tutor
Yes, that′s me
What′s it like with only one eye to see?
With only one eye, I can never look twice
But when you buy a pair of shades, they're always half-price!

I was out in the world, my school days over
Working for a wealthy woman as her chauffeur
Her husband always traveled and she craved relations
She didn′t care that I didn't know equations

′Til the day the husband came looking for his wife
With a jealous heart and an eye-poking knife
Madam thought fast, said "Pretend you were"
"Over in the house as a math tutor"


Husband comes in, said "I hear you know math"
I'm as naked as a baby in a bath
He wrote a problem and I got scared
If B is three, what is AX squared?

I took a pencil from the man and I did my best
I drew a stick figure of a lady with breasts
He was not amused, threw me ′gainst the wall
And pointed his knife at my eyeball

But then the phone rang, that was next to the bed
The husband picked it up and found that Princess Di was dead
And in the commotion of the emotion
I escaped, both eyes intact

A ta, a ta
A twelve, five, nine

So now you see that algebra will save your eye
My story makes sense, on that you can rely
You're not confused how algebra relates to my eye
I solved for X, and now you better solve for Y

Algebra song!
Vamp!
Vamp!
Vamp!
Vamp!
Vamp!