Rehab Center for Fictional Characters Songtext
von Bo Burnham

Uh, well, hello everyone
Um, welcome to the rehab center for fictional characters
Umm, alright
Let′s get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How about you Chris?

Umm, alright
Hey, I'm Chris Cringle
I′m a sex addict

Hey I'm Santa Clause, I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because she is a ho, ho, ho
She used to please me every day
Then she made it clear
That Santa′s only supposed to come once a year
Fuckin′ bitch
Now I buy whores, rock and roll
And I stuff their stockings with my north pole


Okay Chris, thank you
Alright, who's up next?
Patrick, frowny face
Get up here

Alright
I′m Patrick O'Riley
I′m a leprechaun
You all doin' good?
Yeah, I′m not doing so good

I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household
And a beautiful wife, and a pot full of gold
Ha!
Then my wife spent my riches all by herself
And since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf
Uh
Now I drink all day and a part of me dies
'Cause my wife is getting gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys

Hey I know them

Oh, Tony
Nice of you to show up
Where were you last week?


I had some stuff
Hey, I'm Tony the tiger
Uh, fuck it I′ll just sing

Every day I wake up, I get to work late
My boss says, ′Hey, whats up?'
I say that I′m growing tired of this shit
The kids they laugh, 'cause I′m a sensitive cat
'Big pussy!′
I can't argue with that
If another kid gives me frosted flakes
I swear on my life, I'll eat his parents

Okay Tony, thank you
Umm, so that′s everybody
So let′s just get down to it
Umm oh, who are you?

Hi yeah, hi yeah, hi yeah
I'm the easter bunny
Hey I′m back!
Used to be funny now I'm hooked on crack
Heaps of heroine ain′t no joke
Marshmallow peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke
Coke!
Drugs for life, that's my plan
But now I have no attention span

Okay, I′m going to go and get him, alright?
You guys just please play nice please, alright?
I'll be back in a second, okay?

Hey Pat did you hear, all my elves got sick
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick

Motherfucker
What are you laughin' at Tony

I don′t know it′s uh
It's funny, um

This is getting ridiculous
Santa, Tony would you guys please stop?

Oh Snap
Crackle and pop
Haha, ′cause they banged your wife

I'm getting out of here
This is fucking ridiculous