(Introduction to “Do You Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth So Help Your Black Ass”) Songtext
von Amanda Palmer

When I was six years old my sister Alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one

Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
"I made a cake and we′re going next door
To Sam Weinstein's and you′re getting married"

The cake was burned
It tasted gross
She made me kiss him
On the mouth

Now I am 33
Unmarried happily
No plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission


And I have already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that I′m going to

When i was nine i was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn′t like me
Melanie chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions

The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
In my room

Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
But I go to bars all alone and I sit there
And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
Yes that′s how I like it


And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn′t want to
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to

Yes I come here often
Sure I′ll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
But I don't have to talk to you

When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after
Now I′m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don′t make love now to make people love me
But I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
We′re all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

And

When I was 25 I was a rock star
But it didn′t pay too well I had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
Baby they'd never know
What a bargain they′d gotten
And if I'm forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
And I still get laughed at but it doesn′t bother me
I′m just so glad to hear laughter around me

And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn′t want to

So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent
Or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don't like
Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that I′m going to