Not for Broadcast
- Amos and Andy Kill Whitey
- Holy Hunk (I Love Jesus)
- "Don't Have Sex" (Pope John Paul II)
- Teens
- First Trimester Fetus: Criminal Mastermind
- Stephen Hawking's Sexy Brother
- Humor Editorial
- Big Friendly Dog
- Stan the African Pride Muffler Man
- Hot Lesbo Action
- Masturbation News with Doyle Redland
- Post-Natal Abortion Clinic
- Crimestarters
- Bitter Human Interest Reporter
- Information 411
- Picking Up Girls
- The President's Historic Announcement
- Touch Tone Banking
- Ask the Virgin
- Garrison Keillor's L.A. Riots
- Rape, She Wrote
- 1-900-SWEET SNATCH
- Bedwetter's Choice Hotels
- Phone Sex with Mrs. Elaine Drolinson
Mehr Songtexte
- Masterbation News with Doyle Redland
- Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Introduction
- A Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity
- A Cop Kills His Own Partner and Vows to Track Himself Down
- NASA Is Baffled by the Failure of Its Straw Shuttle
- Clinton Has Been Seduced by a Suave International Diamond Thief
- An Area Bassist Is Felated
- High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships
- The Amish Give Up
- A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates an Area Ant Community
- I Believe the Robots Are Our Future
- A Family of Four Has Been Rescued From a Burning House by a Homosexual
- Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants
- The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter
- Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop the Washington Monument
- Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta to the Ground
- Jesus Christ Has Hired an Associate Christ
- A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong
- Taco Bell Launches the New Morning-After Burrito
- A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped by a Grizzly Bear
- The Jews Have Been Ordered Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty
- Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
- Those Motherfucking Robins Are on Thin Ice With Me
- Nine People Are Drawn and Quartered at an Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair
- Neighbors Remember a Serial Killer as a Serial Killer
- Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts
- Teachers Are Apalled by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes
- Mother Theresa Has Been Sent to Hell in a Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up
- A Buck-Naked Man Stresses the Importance of Proper Schooling
- Ants Demand a 23.9 Hour Work Day
- President Clinton Is Written Up by His "Total Bitch" Supervisor
- Congress Has Approved the Americans With No Abilities Act
- A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow
- The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called for the Tragic Death of Barbara Striesand
- Hitler Was Wrong!
- McDonald's Unveils a New All-Beef Bun
- The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off
- Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical
- A New Cereal for the Poor Stays Crunchy in Water
- A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain
- The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal
- Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into the Forest
- A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is at Death's Door
- Richard Simmons Is Fighting for His Life in an Estrogen Tent
- A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page in the High School Yearbook
- The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns to Penmanship
- I Am a Bad Ass
- Quincy Suspects Murder
- Jews Are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something
- Bourbon Helps an Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting for a While
- White Castle Plundered by Turks
- Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested on Every Known Animal
- Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich
- A Family Dog Is Suspected in a Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster
- An Utter Failure Plans to Spend the Rest of the Day in Bed
- Congress Has Lowered the Killing Age to Nineteen
- Scandal in the Special Olympics
- It's Not a Crack House, It's a Crack Home
- An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, and for What?
- Mongol Warriors Have Sacked and Pillaged the U.S.
- A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled by the Pro-Hate Lobby
- 80% of Americans Are in Favor of Storming the Castle and Destroying the Inhuman Monster
- A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits the Death of a Young Boy
- The Face of Jesus Is Seen on a Miracle Hippie
- An Ant Is Born
- Babies Are Stupid
- NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew?
- A Coffeehouse Encounter Results in Conversation and Cunnilingus
- A Drunken Man Makes an Interesting Point About Society
- A Local Masturbator Gets All the Latest Swimwear News on E!
- Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Conclusion
