(I Am the Very Model of a) Scientist Salarian Songtext
von The 8‐Bit Big Band

I am the very model of a scientist Salarian
I′ve studied species Turian, Asari, and Batarian
I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology
Because I am an expert, which I know is a tautology

In four directions cardinal I know the blot routinery
I problem solve with tools and guns and even farm machinery
I perfectly recall your genome purine by pyrimidine

(Hm, rhyme requirement for pyrimidine? Ah, yes!)

I′ll diagnose the cause of every symptom you're exhibiting
(He'll diagnose the cause of every symptom you′re exhibiting)
(He′ll diagnose the cause of every symptom you're exhibiting)
(He′ll diagnose the cause of every symptom you're exhibiti-biting)

My knowledge is prodigious though I′m stuffy and professory
I'm fluent in the Vorcha tongue and Hanar luminescery
My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian
I am the very model of a scientist Salarian

(His xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian)
(He is the very model of a scientist Salarian)


By breakfast time I′m curing seeker swarm induced paralysis
My ideal date would finish with statistical analysis
I've mastered optic instruments, reflective and refractory
I don't begrudge the Quarians, they′re hypochondriactory

I′ve memorized eidetic all my patients' anamnesises
I′ve written papers scores and scores and thats not counting thesises
I'll toxify my enemies with nary an apology

(Hm, ah, -ology suffix. Not difficult!)

Then spend my weekends brushing up on Elcor enzymology
(He spends his weekends brushing up on Elcor enzymology)
(He spends his weekends brushing up on Elcor enzymology)
(He spends his weekends brushing up on Elcor enzymolo-ology)

When I complete a surgery, I sign my name in suturing
I′ve cut up more Batarians than Torfan's famous butchering
If knowledge is a library then I′m it's king librarian
I am the very model of a scientist Salarian

(If knowledge is a library then he's it′s king librarian
He is the very model of a scientist Salarian)

When I know all the acids be they levodextrorotamers
When I tell your Asari child her genes are only sort of yours
When I expound the theories that my colleagues find heretical
When I know all the finer points of therapies genetical


When I could cure your cancer with my brain just half-way functioning
When I can fix mutating cells the point the nondisjunctioning
In short when I′ve a smattering of transgenetic strategy

(Hm, strategy. Challenging rhyme.)
(Philately? No, stamp collecting. Too esoteric.)
(Sat a gee! Homage to original lyrics.)
(No, risk of archaic vocabulary, confusing audience.)
(Something simpler preferred. Had to be me?)
(No, no. Doesn't fit meter.)
(No, no. Yes!)

It had to be done rightly and so I′m the one it had to be
(It had to be done rightly and so he's the one it had to be)
(It had to be done rightly and so he′s the one it had to be)
(It had to be done rightly and so he's the one it had to had to be)

My skeptics call me mad and though they always try to censure me
And actuary tables say I′ll live just half a century
I've surveyed every habitat from Xeric to Riparian
I am the very model of a scientist Salarian

(He's surveyed every habitat from Xeric to Riparian)
(He is the very model of a scientist Salarian)

At treating Varren STDs, I′ve singular ability
I don′t prescribe black market testicles to fix fertility
I've shifted every paradigm from Surkesh to Novaria
I′ve studied piscifauna in the field and in aquaria

Of Volus pharmaceuticals, my memories a catalog
I know of all the Krogan clans from Ravanor to Gatatog
My mastery of Drell anatomy is incomparable
My soil science would suffice to make Tuchanka arable
(His soil science would suffice to make Tuchanka arable)
(His soil science would suffice to make Tuchanka arable)
(His soil science would suffice to make Tuchanka ara-arable)

I know the use of minerals from platinum to iridium
My works more highly cited than a Krogan on Presidium
I lecture for the thrill of it, I need no honorariam
I am the very model of a scientist Salarian

(He lecture for the thrill of it, he need no honorariam)
(He is the very model of a scientist Salarian)

I am the very model of a scientist Salarian