Travel Songtext
von Lewis Black

Yeah, I realized that we′ve been through
I think, the longest election season of my life
I believe, I believe this began
This round began in 1936
I think after you've spent all this time
Looking and watching the debates
And now that it seems to be playing out

To be know who′s the two candidates are going to be
Tonight might just be the night
That it would be good for us to talk about travel
I know, I know from the constant bit of chatter
That I hear that many people, or certainly a number of them
Are thinking of leaving the country and I've traveled a lot
And I think that it is absolutely important for every American


At some point to leave the country and go to another country
If you can afford it, if you have the time
Because otherwise, if you just stay here
You actually begin to believe that we know what we're doing
And you′ll find many times when you go to another country
That they have the same problems we do
And I know this will shock some of you that

That a lot of the times, they, they have a better solution
I know, I can tell, I can feel your pain, because it is amazing
I was utterly shocked when I, when I found this out
Because those fuckers don′t speak English
So they don't even think in the smart language
So, yep

Now, when you go to another country
I think that many, many people say you should try to learn some of the language
No. You know, and I know a lot of you are afraid
To go to a country where you don′t speak the language
How am I gonna get food, Louis?
You point at it, asshole, like when you were three
Yum, yum, yum, yum; it's the universal language


They′ll know what to fucking bring you
I tried to learn some phrases when I travel
I tried to, I was going to Italy, I tried
I learned 50 phrases, and then I got on a plane
And eight hours later, I got to Italy and I couldn't fucking remember one
The only thing I could remember was gracias, that didn′t help
They thought I spoke Spanish

One of the great things about taking a vacation in a country
Where you don't speak the language is to sit in a cafe or a restaurant
Surrounded by people and you don't understand one word that′s being said
Because at that point in time, there are no assholes anywhere
The only thing that I know that′s more peaceful is probably snorkeling

They might, if you want to go to a country that speaks English, try Ireland
And especially this being Milwaukee
You certainly have an affinity on many levels
To the lifestyles of the Irish and they will certainly understand
That drinking is not a problem
And the Irish are really, you know, a lot of the times
'Though, you′ll find in certain areas of Ireland, their dialect is so thick

That you won't understand a word these fuckers are saying
But I have found that seven shots of Jameson acts as a translator
And after seven shots of Jameson, you don′t really give a shit what's going on anyway
You know, when I was there and the problem with Ireland really is weather
I mean, ′cause you never know what it's gonna be like and I'm serious

I was there in June and I was there eight days and the fucking sun never came out
It was gray, rainy, shit, gray rain, gray, shit, gray
Fuck, grayer, grayest. Grayosity
What is the tipping point?
When does gray become another fucking color?

How much color can God take out of the universe?
Son of a bitch, by the seventh day
There I was looking at my wrist
Thinking, I′m gonna slit him just to see cold