Ferguson Yankee Songtext
von Kathleen Madigan

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Kathleen Madigan!
Thank you, thank you so much, thank you, wow
Another hand for the most overqualified opening act, Mr. Lewis Black
And another hand for Jan Arden, who couldn′t be here to sing that in real life
But was nice enough to send that to me in the computer
And a big hand for you, people that are borderline alcoholics, you've made it out tonight!

I do feel, uh kinship, this is a beer town, I am from a beer town
I′m actually from St. Louis, Missouri
Thank you, you don't have to ask
Specifically, I'm from very near Ferguson, maybe you saw our travel brochure
Uh, people are like, really, are you really from there? Yeah, I am
They′re like, can you believe all that happened? Yeah, I can
I can′t believe we kept a lid on that for 25 years


Every day I felt the tension, every day
Even in high school, I came home and I said
"I don't really know if our school′s that safe anymore, Dad"
A girl got stabbed to death in the third floor bathroom
He didn't even stop to open the crossword puzzle
He goes, "well don′t use that bathroom, what are you, an idiot, Kathleen?
Jesus Christ, use your mind"

It's not a very exciting state, Missouri
It′s really just in the middle
Clearly though, to Southerners, it's not
I was in Birmingham, Alabama
I get done with the show and this guy's at the bar and he goes
Ma′am, I can tell by the way you talk, you′re a Yankee

I'm like, sir, I′m from Missouri, and let me tell you this little piece of history
I don't even know if we were in the war
I think we were half-and-half and just beat the crap out of one another
We never even left our own property, sir
Fight local, that was our bumper sticker, Fight local

′Cause we couldn't decide
We were half Confederate and half Union, we still can′t decide
CNN had a map of the Syrian refugee crisis and a whole map of the United States
And who would take them and who wouldn't
The South, yellow, no
The Northeast said, yes, we'll take them, blue


For no reason explained until the very end of the show
Missouri was purple, the holy state
And then at the end they go, oh, the purple signifies no decision
We can′t make up our minds
Of course, we can′t make up our minds