Binge Watching Songtext
von Jim Gaffigan
Binge Watching Songtext
Thank you to everyone who watched The Jim Gaffigan Show, by the way
I appreciate it
And if you didn′t watch, that just means you're a jerk
But no, but thank you if you did watch
′Cause there are so many television shows and episodes of television shows we could and should be watching
It's amazing any of us are here right now
It's kind of overwhelming, DVR on demand
Sometimes I open my Netflix, I′m like, "I don′t think I can do it
I'm not even gonna make a dent here"
And I know there′s pressure
We all feel it, 'cause we′ve developed excuses for our friends like we're dealing with debt collectors
"You watch Game of Thrones?"
"I′m a little behind"
Like, "Give me a week, my wife had a dumb baby"
And it's never-ending
You finish that show, now you have to watch this show, and then you have-
No, now I need to learn how to read again
I need to sound out some words and see if I can read
Have you read a physical book lately?
Not on a tablet, or a laptop, an actual book?
You feel like you're Abe Lincoln
Oh, it′s made of wood, hope it doesn′t catch on fire
When does this have to be back at the museum?
'Cause we′re all binge watching
I remember when they first introduced the idea of binge watching
I was like, "How pathetic, I'm just gonna watch an episode or two"
I haven′t showered in a week
I'm a grandfather!
I missed my own funeral
I binge watch shows I don′t even like
I mean this is pretty bad, I guess I'll watch five more episodes
I watched every episode of True Blood and I'm not even gay
I know some of you are like, "Jim, watching True Blood doesn′t mean you′re gay"
That's ′cause you're gay
It′s the number one cause of gayness
My friends don't understand, they′re like, "When do you watch? You have five kids"
I ignore them
I can't go to that recital, I'm rewatching West Wing
It′s embarrassing how I consume television
There are nights when I′ve told myself, "All right, one more season, then I'm going to bed, I mean, come on"
It′s hard to stop, you see the ending, you want the accomplishment, right?
Oh, you ran a 10k? Yeah, I finished Mad Men
I did it, I'm a little sore, but I did it
I′m a television athlete, I'm a tele-athlete
It′s strange when you get done watching an entire series
You don't know what to do with yourself, you're like, "I haven′t been this lost since the ending of Lost
Should I go to a bar? I don′t know if I remember how to talk to people"
And starting a new show, that's kinda like a blind date, right?
"Well, my friend said you were great
I′m free tonight, so I think I'm ready to put myself back out there"
′Cause we have relationships with these television shows
You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and you're like, "It′s over
I don't even know you anymore
I gave up the best nights of my life"
Netflix, they won't let you forget your mistakes, they keep ′em in your queue
Remember this relationship?
I was drunk, I was on the rebound
They′ll make suggestions, since you enjoyed True Blood, here's some other gay shows
Maybe I would like The L Word, I don′t know
Netflix has definitely made watching television with commercials kinda painful
Takes forever, you're like, "What, am I growing my own food here?
All right, Geico, we get it!"
And it′s not just the length or the number of the commercials
It's what the commercials say about the typical viewer of the show you′re watching
Catheter? Why would? Reverse mortgage? Back pain? I do have back pain
You know me so well television show
I watch a lot of cable news 'cause I enjoy being depressed
That's the only reason to watch
After five minutes, they just repeat the same stories
Remember that horrible thing? Wait ′til we show you 20 more times
You won′t be able to sleep
I think it's interesting how all the cable newscasters are very attractive
They′re very attractive and they're dressed up, I don′t know why
You know, you're talking about a hurricane, what′s with the evening gown?
We all kinda watch like, thanks for showing some leg
Cable newscasters are so attractive, when they interview a regular person, it's visually distracting
You're like, "Is that a bad guy? Or a victim? I know they′re a loser in this scenario"
But the newscasters, those are our town gossips, right?
That′s what newscasters are, they're town gossips
They′re like, "You're not gonna believe what happened to this person you′ve never met before
Isn't that sad? By the way, there′s some weird stuff going on in England
I have a friend, John, over there, John, why don't you tell 'em about it?
Thanks John, isn′t that horrible?
By the way, it′s gonna rain tomorrow, I'm like 99% positive it′s gonna rain, and that's sad"
Most of my friends under the age of 30 don′t even have cable
I'm like, "What? Where do you send your 500$ a month?"
It′s gettin' to be embarrassing to have cable, right? You have cable? Ha! I'm gettin′ rid of it
When I die
Technology′s moving so fast
And there's times when you feel like you′re on top of it
And then there's times when you feel like that friend with the flip phone
We all have the friend or relative with a flip phone, you′re like, "Where'd you get that?
Do you use that to call the past?
What character were you on Breaking Bad?"
But there′s definitely moments when I'm the person with the flip phone, like, I have a landline
Some of you are like, "What's a landline?"
No one wants to admit they have a landline, it′s like discovering you′re still paying for AOL
Here's how I justify having a landline, I′m like, "Well, I need a landline in case all the cell towers go out and then I could call no one"
Our landline will ring, our landline will ring, my wife and I, we won't even move to answer it
Well, it′s obviously not for us
No one we know has that number
It's like paying a stranger ten bucks a month to interrupt dinner
By the way, I know nobody′s phone number, I don't even know my own wife's phone number
If I was arrested and I was allowed one call, I′d be like, "I dunno, 911?"
I do miss slamming down the landline when I was angry
You know like, "You can go to Hell!" Tsh!
You can′t do that with a cellphone, "You can go to Hell!" uh-eh-uh
Don't want that to fall in the toilet, hehehe
I appreciate it
And if you didn′t watch, that just means you're a jerk
But no, but thank you if you did watch
′Cause there are so many television shows and episodes of television shows we could and should be watching
It's amazing any of us are here right now
It's kind of overwhelming, DVR on demand
Sometimes I open my Netflix, I′m like, "I don′t think I can do it
I'm not even gonna make a dent here"
And I know there′s pressure
We all feel it, 'cause we′ve developed excuses for our friends like we're dealing with debt collectors
"You watch Game of Thrones?"
"I′m a little behind"
Like, "Give me a week, my wife had a dumb baby"
And it's never-ending
You finish that show, now you have to watch this show, and then you have-
No, now I need to learn how to read again
I need to sound out some words and see if I can read
Have you read a physical book lately?
Not on a tablet, or a laptop, an actual book?
You feel like you're Abe Lincoln
Oh, it′s made of wood, hope it doesn′t catch on fire
When does this have to be back at the museum?
'Cause we′re all binge watching
I remember when they first introduced the idea of binge watching
I was like, "How pathetic, I'm just gonna watch an episode or two"
I haven′t showered in a week
I'm a grandfather!
I missed my own funeral
I binge watch shows I don′t even like
I mean this is pretty bad, I guess I'll watch five more episodes
I watched every episode of True Blood and I'm not even gay
I know some of you are like, "Jim, watching True Blood doesn′t mean you′re gay"
That's ′cause you're gay
It′s the number one cause of gayness
My friends don't understand, they′re like, "When do you watch? You have five kids"
I ignore them
I can't go to that recital, I'm rewatching West Wing
It′s embarrassing how I consume television
There are nights when I′ve told myself, "All right, one more season, then I'm going to bed, I mean, come on"
It′s hard to stop, you see the ending, you want the accomplishment, right?
Oh, you ran a 10k? Yeah, I finished Mad Men
I did it, I'm a little sore, but I did it
I′m a television athlete, I'm a tele-athlete
It′s strange when you get done watching an entire series
You don't know what to do with yourself, you're like, "I haven′t been this lost since the ending of Lost
Should I go to a bar? I don′t know if I remember how to talk to people"
And starting a new show, that's kinda like a blind date, right?
"Well, my friend said you were great
I′m free tonight, so I think I'm ready to put myself back out there"
′Cause we have relationships with these television shows
You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and you're like, "It′s over
I don't even know you anymore
I gave up the best nights of my life"
Netflix, they won't let you forget your mistakes, they keep ′em in your queue
Remember this relationship?
I was drunk, I was on the rebound
They′ll make suggestions, since you enjoyed True Blood, here's some other gay shows
Maybe I would like The L Word, I don′t know
Netflix has definitely made watching television with commercials kinda painful
Takes forever, you're like, "What, am I growing my own food here?
All right, Geico, we get it!"
And it′s not just the length or the number of the commercials
It's what the commercials say about the typical viewer of the show you′re watching
Catheter? Why would? Reverse mortgage? Back pain? I do have back pain
You know me so well television show
I watch a lot of cable news 'cause I enjoy being depressed
That's the only reason to watch
After five minutes, they just repeat the same stories
Remember that horrible thing? Wait ′til we show you 20 more times
You won′t be able to sleep
I think it's interesting how all the cable newscasters are very attractive
They′re very attractive and they're dressed up, I don′t know why
You know, you're talking about a hurricane, what′s with the evening gown?
We all kinda watch like, thanks for showing some leg
Cable newscasters are so attractive, when they interview a regular person, it's visually distracting
You're like, "Is that a bad guy? Or a victim? I know they′re a loser in this scenario"
But the newscasters, those are our town gossips, right?
That′s what newscasters are, they're town gossips
They′re like, "You're not gonna believe what happened to this person you′ve never met before
Isn't that sad? By the way, there′s some weird stuff going on in England
I have a friend, John, over there, John, why don't you tell 'em about it?
Thanks John, isn′t that horrible?
By the way, it′s gonna rain tomorrow, I'm like 99% positive it′s gonna rain, and that's sad"
Most of my friends under the age of 30 don′t even have cable
I'm like, "What? Where do you send your 500$ a month?"
It′s gettin' to be embarrassing to have cable, right? You have cable? Ha! I'm gettin′ rid of it
When I die
Technology′s moving so fast
And there's times when you feel like you′re on top of it
And then there's times when you feel like that friend with the flip phone
We all have the friend or relative with a flip phone, you′re like, "Where'd you get that?
Do you use that to call the past?
What character were you on Breaking Bad?"
But there′s definitely moments when I'm the person with the flip phone, like, I have a landline
Some of you are like, "What's a landline?"
No one wants to admit they have a landline, it′s like discovering you′re still paying for AOL
Here's how I justify having a landline, I′m like, "Well, I need a landline in case all the cell towers go out and then I could call no one"
Our landline will ring, our landline will ring, my wife and I, we won't even move to answer it
Well, it′s obviously not for us
No one we know has that number
It's like paying a stranger ten bucks a month to interrupt dinner
By the way, I know nobody′s phone number, I don't even know my own wife's phone number
If I was arrested and I was allowed one call, I′d be like, "I dunno, 911?"
I do miss slamming down the landline when I was angry
You know like, "You can go to Hell!" Tsh!
You can′t do that with a cellphone, "You can go to Hell!" uh-eh-uh
Don't want that to fall in the toilet, hehehe
Writer(s): Jim Gaffigan Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com
