Modern Man Songtext
von George Carlin

I am a modern man
A man for the millennium
Digital and smoke free
A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect
I′ve been up linked and downloaded
I've been inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading
I′m a high-tech low-life
A cutting edge state-of-the-art
bi-coastal
multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond
I'm new wave, but I'm old school
And my inner child is outward bound
I′m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable
I interface with my database
My database is in cyberspace
So I′m interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I′m radioactive
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve
Ridin' the wave, dodgin′ the bullet and pushin the envelope


I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs
I′ve got no need for coke and speed
I've got no urge to binge and purge
I'm in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb
A top-gun bottom feeder
I wear power ties, I tell power lies
I take power naps and run victory laps
I′m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic
Out of rehab and in denial!
I′ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda
You can't shut me up, you can′t dumb me down
Because I'm tireless and I′m wireless
I'm an alpha male on beta-blockers
I′m a non-believer and an over-achiever
Laid-back but fashion-forward
Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance
Super-sized, long-lasting
High-definition, fast-acting
Oven-ready and built-to-last
I'm a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic
And I've got a love-child that sends me hate mail
But I′m feeling, I′m caring
I'm healing, I′m sharing -- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver
My output is down, but my income is up
I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow
I read junk mail, I eat junk food
I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports
I'm gender specific
, capital intensive, user-friendly and
lactose intolerant
I like rough sex
I use the "F" word in my emails
And the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store
I eat fast-food in the slow lane
I′m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes
A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed
And, I have an unlimited broadband capacity
I′m a rude dude, but I'm the real deal
Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock
Rough, tough and hard to bluff
I take it slow, I go with the flow
I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride
Drivin and movin′, sailin′ and spinnin', jivin′ and groovin', wailin′ and winnin'
I don′t snooze, so I don't lose
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road
I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time
I'm hangin′ in there ain′t no doubt
And I'm hangin′ tough, over and out!