Have a Nice Day Songtext
von George Carlin

I had kind of an interesting morning this morning. I call it ′interesting', I use that word because I don′t have a 'nice' day anymore. Frankly, I don′t bother with them. I feel as if I′ve outgrown the nice day. Let someone else have a few. I've had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? So I feel I′m beyond the nice day now. 'Course people still want me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. "Have a nice day!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you give me my fuckin′ change, please!" Some people are really insistent- "I said have a nice day!"
"Okay, okay goddammit, all right!" That's the trouble with ′have a nice day'; it puts all the pressure on you. Now you've gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time. All because of some loose lipped cashier. ′Have a nice day′...Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I′ve had 63 nice days in a row. And, by God, I'm ready for a crappy day. Let someone wish me a crappy day. I never hear that. "Have a crappy day!" That′s no problem at all. All you have to do is get up some mornings. There's no planning involved.

Y′know the trouble with that 'nice day' stuff for me is that word ′nice′. It's just such a soft, kinda flabby word. There′s no character to it. 'Nice′..."Isn't he ′nice'? Oh, he is so 'nice′! And she′s 'nice′, too! Isn't that ′nice'?" It′s like 'fine'. "How are ya?" "Fine." BULLSHIT! Nobody′s ′fine'. Hair is fine. "How′s your hair?" "Fine!" That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are 'great′. Y'ever hear that? How are ya? "Great! This is great! Goddamn! This is great! Look! They′re gonna kill that guy! Isn't that great?"
Not me. I'm not nice, I′m not fine, I′m not great. People ask me how I am, I say, "I'm fairly decent." No superlatives. Nothing to gossip about. I say,"I′m relatively okay." Or 'moderately neato′. Then they have to ask their children how I am. If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I′ll look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not unwell, thank you." Which pisses them off 'cause they have to figure that one out for themselves. But anyway...