Masturbation Songtext
von Dave Attell

Hey, it′s just masturbation
I don't see the harm in it, right?
Everybody masturbates, even the ladies do it
They have a different term for it
They call it a "long hot bath"
But really, I′ve never seen anyone take a bath
Wth their ass in the air
And the back end of a hairbrush in their cooch
But what do I know?, I was raised with brothers
I have a black belt in masturbation
I am the Jean-Claude Van hand of masturbation, I'm good
If you ever get caught masturbating, you have to say something
You can't just keep going, no one′s that good
Not even The Fonz
Do what I do, first look surprised
And don′t worry, you will be surprised
"Huh?" Then say this, "quick get some help
My hand and dick are fighting
Please, my other hand is distracting my balls the way I like it
Get some help, a hot towel, a chicken burrito
I'm getting very sleepy"
You′re a good crowd about it
'Cause I did that joke one time
And this woman stands up and goes
"Masturbation, that′s so unromantic"
I'm very romantic when I masturbate
I light a candle, then I try and shoot it out
It′s like a carnival
Never invite me to a birthday
Yes
Well, I gotta be going, this is fun
Well, where were you the last hour?