I.G. Joe Songtext
von Bill Engvall

I got a four year little boy like I mentioned
I don′t get paid back for everything I ever did in my life
I never thought I'd say this phrase
"Son, please don′t bite the dog"
But I say it all the time
Our dog's neurotic, he won't come off from underneath the bed
He just like, "No Bill, not as long as that little jerk′s till up, no"
"Look at me, I look like I got mange"
That dog lives in hell

It′s my wife's dog, just a little Wiener dog
And the other day, he was sound asleep on the living room
On his back doing his little rabbit chasing thing
I watched my son walk across the living room floor and go
"Puppy" pam!
I go, "What are you doing?"
He looked me right in the eye and goes, "It was a accident"


Somebody gave my son 250 of those ol′ plastic G.I. Joe soldiers
And they are all over the house
So you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
And you're just like
There′s some little guy in front of the bathroom door like
"You here to wipe the general's butt?"

But my son can′t say G.I. Joe yet, so he calls them his I.G. Joes
So he'll come running in the house going, "Dad, where's my I.G. Joes?"
I′m like, "Look around, man, they′re everywhere"
This house looks like the beaches of Normandy

And we got this cat that's so bizarre
He′ll go in my son's room and get one of his I.G. Joes
And start dragging it to the kitchen, start fighting with it
Well, my son gets mad, you know, he′s like, "Kitty's got my I.G. Joe"
I′m like, "Well, get it from the cat"
And I hear that
"Get it, don't kick it from the cat"
"It was a accident"

These I.G. Joes came in a bucket
My wife and I pick 'em up, we notice that the bucket won′t fill them back up
We couldn′t find them anywhere
One day, we were stripping the kitchen floor, we pulled the stove back
And there's like 50 up underneath the stove
It was an I.G. Joe prisoner camp


This cat would like beat the hell out of ′em go
"Get in there, get in there, get in there"
"Shh, no talking, no talking"

My son's job is basically to tear up my daughter′s stuff
That's the job he applied for
He does stuff to Barbie doll that you don′t even laugh
You just go, "Oh, man, there's a serial killer in training"
We had a big blowout couple of weeks ago, man
He got in her room and tore up one of her fashion Barbies, and she was hacked
I was too, that's a 35 dollar doll
I′m like, "Why don′t you go tear up your own stuff, boy?"

"Why don't you tear up that Barney doll? Get him the hell out of this house"
Anybody got those Barney tapes?
Woo, that′ll make you put a gun barrel in your mouth
He's the reason the other dinosaurs are extinct, you know that, don′t you?
They just said, "Man, we'd rather be dead than hang with you"
"Hey, where you going fellas?"
"We′re going to kill ourselves Barney"

I don't know why my daughter was all mad about
She's got every Barbie doll known to man
She′s got Malibu Barbie, Surfing Barbie, Thanksgiving Barbie
She got one just last year, Barbie doll on rollerblades
And you rollerblade her and sparks shoot out her hips
But she′s listed as an unsafe doll

Watching news one night, this is how far over the edge we've gone
The news guy′s holding this Barbie doll, looks right in the camera, goes
"This doll looks safe enough, doesn't it?"
Like we′re all at home watching TV going, "Uh-huh"
But what if Barbie skated through a pool of gasoline
What if Barbie had a hand grenade? What are you talking about?

Has that become a household problem now?
'Cause I don′t know how many times I've gone to my daughter's room and said
"Baby, did you spill the gas again?"
"Well, pumpkin, we′re gonna stop keeping the gasoline in your room
If you can′t be more careful"
But we whipped Barbie through that gas, and she lit up
She skated in Barbie, but she skated out Shane O'Conner, man
There wasn′t a hair on that head

See, Barbie's too fluffy and frilly for me, anyway
I think they ought to come out with a more realistic Barbie doll
Come out with white trash Barbie
You know Barbie in her later years, that career′s over now
They live in that Barbie mobile home, the Dream Trailer
That Corvette's up on blocks in the front yard
Ken′s got a big ol' gut now
Sits around itching himself, "What's for dinner, Barbie?"
She be like, "Fish sticks"
"Fish stick? What′s it our anniversary again?"

You can have all sorts of accessories with it
You can have a little cop car
That pulls up in front of the mobile home once in a while
′Cause Ken got drunk, started some stuff with Barbie, you know
They lead him off little Ken cuffs
He's screaming, "I know you slept with I.G. Joe, I know you slept with him"
She′d scream back, "Don't take him, I love him"
I′d buy stuff like that, but my son will probably tear that up too