Liza Songtext
von Alan Cumming

We call that song, uhm
′No one is alive while I'm around′
And when we were making it up
I said to Lance
I said it's kinda like being being inside of uh
Y'know, a Sondheim video game
It′s kinda like ′Grand Theft Sondheim' singing that song
But, uh (Laughs)
Uhm, anyway, uhm


Ladies and Gentlemen
We′re coming up to the last song now
I know, I'm sad too
But, no, obviously it′s not REALLY the last song
I mean, I mean, come on
Uh, it's not the last song really
I- I′ll tell you what's gonna happen
Y'know, it′s just this weird little ritual we always do
I′ll tell you another hilarious anecdote
And then I'll sing the ′last song'
And then I will, uh
Probably walk up through there
Banging into you
Like I′m rubbing my crotch against the back of your chairs
And walking out of the exit
Chatting awkwardly to the bar staff
You'll be here going ′I wonder if he's going to come back on'
′I wonder if he′s going to do an encore'
′My goodness, I wonder, I wonder'
In that sort of desperate way
Meanwhile, Lance and Eleanor and Chris will have stayed on the stage
Uh, that SHOULD′VE been a clue because
This is not their apartment
They don't live here
And then, of course, I will come back on
I′ll- I'll be all like 'Oh gosh! I- I didn′t expect this!′
'Oh goodness sakes, what are we ever going to do?!′
And you'll be like
′Ah! Thank goodness we didn't call the uber too early′

And, well this story is about someone we all know and love
And her name is Liza Minnelli
And, kinda the reason I'm standing here tonight, is because of Liza
Not because she's my mum
I don′t want to- I want to squash that rumour, stay it away
Liza Minnelli is not my mother
But that would be hilarious though, wouldn′t it, if Liza was my mum
(Laughs)
Wha- W- W- Lance, uhm, musical geek alert
What would it be like, uh, y'know
If I was like-
Liza was my mum, we had Christmas as Liza′s
What would that be like?
(Piano Ditty)
Ohhhh
MUSICAL THEATRE GEEK ALERT, Mr Lance Horne!! (Laughs)


Anyway, so
About eight years ago, I was in Scotland, doing this play
And, it turns out, Liza was in Scotland too
For the very first time, doing a concert in my- in my home land
And so, I was like 'Crikey′
So, I- I've called her up
And we had dinner
Uh, the night before her concert
And, it just so happened
That at that time
I′d just been asked, for the first time, to do a show like this
I was asked to do one of those American Songbook things
At the Lincoln Centre
But, at the time, when I was asked to do it
I was so nervous, and so anxious
And it was a big leap for me to make y'know
To stand on stage
And not have the veil of a character between you and me
So, I- I was saying all this to Liza
And she gave me some REALLY, uh, amazing advice
She said things like, for example
That every song- think of every song as- as a play
That you're in this playing as
Y′know, a structure and you′re in it
And you're a character in this play
And then she ALSO taught me things
Y′know, she really counselled me and gave me confidence
About doing something like this
And she, uhm, sort of- y'know
Taught me how you′re able to be
Sort of a showman
But also to retain your own kind of authenticity
So I will forever be grateful to her

Uhm, and, anyway
So, the next night
Uh, it was her concert in Glasgow
I'd already seen the show
It was the one that was called ′Liza's at the Palace'
And it was, uhm, about her Godmother, Kay Thompson
It was the lady who wrote the Elouise books
And was the big NGM musical lady
Think Pink! That was her thing
And this, uh, show that Liza did
Was kind of a homage to her Godmother
And, in it, she told this absolutely heart warming, gorgeous story
About how when she was 16, she got a job
In a- in a summer stock, uh, musical
And she was so excited because she had a 10 second dance solo in it
And she so wanted her mum and her Godmother to come and see it
So, they did, Judy Garland and Kay Thompson
Trooped off up to some tent in Connecticut somewhere
And as the lights went down, they kinda rushed in so nobody saw them
And they sat down and they watched this show
And sure enough, Liza came on
And- and at one point she had this 10 second dance solo
And they were just so full of love and joy and pride for her
They both BURST into tears
But they- but they didn′t have a hankey
They couldn′t find a hankey
And the only thing they had was Judy's powder puff
And so they dabb- Judy dabbed her eyes with her powder puff
Then she gave it to Kay, and Kay dabbed her eyes with the powder puff
And then, so, when they went back afterwards
They saw Liza, and like she still does, in this really endearing way
She was like "Was I any good?"
And they said- they said
"Darling, you were wonderful, we were just so moved"
And they told her about the powder puff
And- and she gave- her- her mum gave her the powder puff
And in the show, Liza says
"And I still have that powder puff to this day"
I know right, isn′t that darling

So, uhm, I'd heard that story in uh, in New York
And then, the next night, after I′d had dinner with her in Glasgow
It was the show again
So I took two of my friends, who I was working with in Glasgow
I was doing the play, uh
The Backeye, for the National Theatre of Scotland
I was playing Dionysus, naturally
And, uh, it was directed by this guy called John Tiffany
He was this amazing director
He directed One Somebody
He directed Macbeth, I did
And lots of other things
And, uh, the choreographer was uh, Stephen Hogett
Also, a genius
So, the- the three of us went to see Liza
And we HELD HANDS really, literally, throughout the entire show
And hardly breathed, we were like this
(Gasp)
And, it was just an amazing, amazing evening

And AFTER the show, we went back to Liza's hotel
And, y′know, we were having drinks and french fries
And Liza was smoking
And, uh, and- and- and-
Stephen and John were ACTUALLY sitting at her feet
I mean literally, and they were chatting away
And Liza's talking about her life, and she said to John
"You're a director? My father was a director!"
He was like "I know that, Liza, I know that"
And then, uhm, we were just chatting about, y′know
Me maybe doing this show and how you perform
And just, all sorts of stuff, and at one point
I said "Liza, do you REALLY still have that powder puff?"
And she went, "No darling! None of that ever happened!"

And THAT IS SHOWBUSINESS, Ladies and Gentlemen