A Musical Condom Commercial Songtext
von Alan Cumming

Yes, we′re going deep, and we're going deep fast Ladies and Gentlemen
I think the show′s kind of on the floor
So I'm gonna pep things up a little bit!
I'd actually like to ask you, young lady
Uh, lady who′s talking to her husband right now
About this enormous steak you have right here
Can I show it to people?
Because I-
I thought it was a big potato at first
But look at the size of it!
And it was like twice the size before she got tucked into it
Do you see it?
I didn′t realise they made cows that big
But please, carry on


As a vegan it's the most fabulous thing to have staring, as I emote
(Laughs)
No please, I′m one of these, I'm a vegan but I don′t mind people
Like, wrenching dead flesh
And putting it in their body
I really don't
I really don′t
No, I don't, I don't!
I don′t mean that facetiously
And tomorrow you′ll have rotting flesh inside your body
That's fine!
I don′t (laughs)
Try the tomato!

Anyway, so
We're gonna pep things up a little
Because the show′s on the floor
And I'm gonna tell you a hilarious anecdote, Ladies and Gentlemen
Uhm, a few years ago, I got this phone call from this guy
And he said "Hey Alan!"
"Would you like to make a condom commercial for the internet?"
And I said "Tell me more!"
So, I went for a meeting with these advertising people
I don′t know if you know advertising people
But they are hilarious at the best of times
When they are trying to sell you a condom? (laughs)
They're a hoot!
And a half


So, I went to this meeting
And they're telling me all these qualities of this new condom
And they′re saying things like y′know
It was "Lubricated on the inside and the outside"
Apparently that was a new revelation
Who knew?
And uhm, one of the guys said to me
"It's shaped like a baseball bat, y′know!"
And I went "Who's your target audience?"
Cause y′know I've seen of penises, BUT-
So, uhm
And then he sai- I said
"So, what′s the name of this new kind of condom?"
And he said "Ecstasy"
I said "I am the perfect person to make this commercial for you"

So, I did
I made this commercial
And I got to basically do whatever I liked
And so, I made up this uh
It was a 1950's musical condom commercial
And so, I was like the- y'know, the talk show host
And Ricki Lake was my starlet, sitting on the sofa with me
And I would be like
"Ha ha ha that′s hilarious
But before we hear anymore
Let′s have a word from our sponsors
Trojan Condoms"
And then Ricki would go
"Oh, I love Trojan Condoms!"
And then we'd burst into song
And sang this uh, this little uh, Trojan Condom ditty
And Lance and I wrote it

And uh, just to pick things up
I think we should do-
Uh, sing for you now
The Trojan Condom, uh, song
Unfortunately, Ricki Lake could not make it tonight
Ladies and Gentlemen
To be with us
And, so instead, Mr Lance Horne
Is going to perform the role of Ricki Lake
Ladies and Gentlemen
And it′s uncanny!
It's as though a hologram of Ricki Lake were appearing before you
So, this is ′Ecstasy'!