Josie’s Past Songtext
von Xiu Xiu

Diary, December 14th, 1986
I dreamed about Bob last night, not a real nice dream at all
A little sick in my opinion
Because I have so much hatred for the way he spoiled me
Made me feel ugly and bad for wanting love or affection
He ruined all of my pride and self-esteem for the longest time
I could only be pretty and sweet
Because pretty and sweet was easy
Good grades even better
No-one wanted me
I wouldn′t even let on that I knew what sex was
He did ruin me, didn't he?
I′m imagining he came to the window at Leo's and saw me
It was a nastier scene in the dreams than it was last night in reality
He kept showing this image of me, again and again
And then he was standing by the tree and he said
"You wouldn't have been able to do any of that if it weren′t for me"
I told him he was wrong
I told him I learned all that he saw when I was alone
So that I could do something to make myself feel good


And be able to heal the wounds that he made
He said, "Oh yeah, then why do you want Leo to tie you up?
Maybe eat you that way?
Make you a slave?
I know you want it
Just the way I taught you, little bitch
I saw you with the wand, playing with yourself
You were thinking of bad-boy Leo
Not Bobby little-boy who weeps
After he gets fucked by a little slut like you"
And I woke up, ashamed, horrified, guilty
And I imagined him suddenly right before me
At the edge of my bed
"You forgot Laura, I know everything, see everything
Go anywhere I want
I could tell you more about what you think are secrets
Then you can tell yourself
′You let your guard down, didn't you?′
Let me have a vacation from that stench of yours
Then you have to call me back
Rancid little bitch
You're pretty mean sometimes when you write
Aren′t you
We'll have to fix that
Make you love me like you used to
I remember that, soon you will too"
And then he disappeared
I need to do something that is right and good today
Who in the fuck is he and why does he hate me so much?
I want to die, and to forget everything else
I can′t take it anymore
I begin to feel good
And then someone makes me feel that I'm dirty
Then someone kisses me just right
And I feel wanted and excited all over again
I need to know if what I'm doing is right
I can′t let Bob be the one who taught me
To wish to be tied up sometimes
I don′t ever want to be hurt
I never have
I only want to play the games
Where I have to say the dirty things sometimes
Not mean things like Bob thinks
And if I'm punished, I′m punished with sex
Not pain
Bob is not who puts these ideas in my head
I won't let him be the one
These are my private thoughts
I′m afraid I won't make
It in and out of another sexual experience ever
Without being afraid that he will come
And tell everyone lies about me
If someone who loves me
Reads this years from now
Please try not to hate me
I only feel the way I feel
I don′t hurt anyone else, and I don't want to
I try every day to be better
And more in the way I think the world wants
To see a girl like me
But I am Laura
I am sad, God, I am sad again
Why? I miss last year
And the day where times are spent
With my friends
Who don't care what I think of late at night
They don′t hate me for sometimes dreaming
Late at night, with my hands buried
Between my legs, ashamed in how
I wish my other hand would simply
Pull the trigger
Bob, I forbid you to come to me ever again
In dreams or in reality
You are not welcome
I hate you
I feel so alone
Laura