“If I Was President…” Songtext
von Frank Zappa

If I was president, I think I′d do a fine job
Because first of all, I don't owe anything to anybody
And I don′t believe in the platform of any other parties, so I would start from scratch and make it up as it went along
And there's no way that anybody in any public office is gonna get 100% of the public liking his or her policies
And so, you just take that as a given
And you can do things

If I were going to run, here's exactly what I would do
First of all I would file as a candidate of no party
And all I would do is raise enough money to get on the ballot in every state
And I wouldn′t campaign

And I happen to think that the news media would call me up to ask me what do you think about this
And I would tell ′em and let the other guys spend their money and argue about it
But just being completely outside of the circuit, I think you could get enough information into the marketplace of ideas
To let them know what you thought about various things
And the day that they got to go to the poll, when they're just sick to death of next season′s Willie Hortons
Or whatever it's going to be, there would be an alternative
There′d just be something that you could check on the box that would enable you to vote against the rest of what politics is


Whether it's me or somebody else, I think that that is the key to breaking the way politics is conducted in the United States
′Cause it's going to be a long time before any of these practitioners really change the election procedure
They're not gonna make it fairer
They′re not gonna make the expenditures lower
They′re just gonna try and keep it going the way it is
And the only hope that this democracy and I use the word advisedly in the case of the United States
'Cause it′s almost evaporated the only way that you can have a choice
Is for somebody to come up from nowhere and do it just the way I described
Completely outside the system, as simply as possible

And that would enable the voters that are fed up
Who are always saying one of the reasons why they don't go to the polls is ′cause there is no choice
If they know that this time they would have a choice, no matter whether, whatever the candidate is
Just to have a third box that you could check

These guys with these, the helmet hair
These custom molded guys that have sprayed the hair never moves
And they all do like this and like have these terrible little hand gestures that they got out of a comic book someplace
And they say the same things and, uh, it's boring and it′s insincere
I find it hard to believe that 250 million people in this country really buy into that
I think that the reason why they're able to hang on to their positions or get into the office in the first place
Is because there isn't anybody willing to look at them and say
"You′re fake, you′re just, just that"
"I feel sorry for you that you have to live your life being a fake"